Divining the future from Al Gore's facial hair is not an easy process, nor is it simple. And alas,
I cannot divulge many of the details of our secret ritualistic procedures, other than that it involves
a rubber hose, a cat, 26 jars of Bondo, and a copy of Karl Marx's Communist Manifesto.
But now, for the first time ever, I can give you, who may be curious about this fine religion, a
glimpse into some of the ancient prophecies that we consult when making our predictions for the future. I
now read to you from the Hallowed Book of AP. (No, not Associated Press. Just "Ap.")
And it came to pass in the 19th century that a man of great stature and immensely hairy
chin did run for the presidency, and this man was called Rutherford B. Hayes. And there was much celebration,
for many people wanted to vote for him and not for that obvious loser, Samuel J. Tilden. So, many fathers voted for
Rutherford B. Hayes, and many more sons voted unto their fathers, and many more people voted unto themselves, both
early and often. But lo, this was illegal, and caused great weeping and wailing in Washington DC.
The Almighty Congress was forced to intervene, and they struck a compromise. Rutherford B. Hayes would be
allowed to serve as President anyway, but only if he was the last man with a beard to do so.
As you can see, according to the Hallowed Book of AP, because Al Gore is wearing a beard, we can safely
assume for now that he will not run for the presidency in 2004. This is The Truth. It absolutely must be true,
and if your faith in Al Gore's beard is true, then you will have no doubts of this.
And if Al Gore shaves off his beard tomorrow, I will quickly erase this page and deny everything while
I try to find another pseudo-religious movement to concoct.
Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to type that here.
In the meantime, send money! Al Gore's beard demands a tithe of 39.6%, with appropriate income tithing credits
for families with children.
Beware these false Gores!
||Jonathan Frakes, who played Commander Riker on Star
Trek: The Next Generation, often tries to mimic the One True Gore. See in this picture his devilish attempt to
match the natural tilt of the head of Al Gore? But pay attention, and you'll see that Frakes has a bit more hair on top of
his head, making it possible to tell the difference. Don't be fooled.|
||Bruce Boxleitner, also known as Captain
Sheridan from Babylon 5, has created a much craftier imitation of the One True Gore. The shape of his face, his
serious expression, all of it a masterful copy of Gore. Indeed, this man is a clever imposter! The only way to tell
him from the real Gore is to ask about the Dingle-Norwood Bill. If he does not understand you then he is not the
One True Gore.|
||The uncanny resemblance of Al Gore and Vladimir Lenin has led some to speculate that Al Gore is the reincarnation
of Lenin. This is heresy! Do not entertain such thoughts, for there is but One True Gore, and he has
always been here to take care of us.
||Most dangerous of all is the Anti-Gore! He will poison your drinking water, pollute your air, give all of your money
to rich people, and conquer the world with a missle defense system. Do not let his tax rebate bribe you into
complacency, for the Anti-Gore is up to no good and must be stopped!
Go now in the peace of Al Gore's beard.